diving deeper

i know i write a lot about depression. it’s inevitable, given that it is part of my life. and, unfortunately, it happens to be a part of the lives of many of those i love and hold dear.  my last 2 posts were literally just giant passages from the book i’ve been reading { the noonday demon: an atlas of depression by andrew solomon } that i basically wanted to “bookmark” for reference later. this post is more of a reflection on a short passage i encountered a couple of days ago, and have been mulling over ever since.

“Children of depressed mothers may suffer not only depression but also attention deficit disorder, separation anxiety, and conduct disorder. They do badly in social and academic situations, even if they are intelligent and have some attractive qualities of personality. They have unusually high levels of physical complaints- allergies, asthma, frequent colds, severe headaches, stomach aches- and complain of feeling unsafe. They are often paranoid,” {pgs. 181-182}.

this excerpt is not only talking about  the child in their youth, but also within the greater context of becoming a depressed adult. and it describes CHILD ME to a tee:

i was/am very hyperactive/ADD; my separation anxiety manifested itself in night terrors where i was *literally* being taken away from my parents, and to this day i still have the irrational fear that everyone is going to leave me; i was a horribly behaved child- punching, kicking, biting other school kids, cutting their hair, running away from my parents in stores, screaming. i did poorly in school { mostly because i was bored to tears } and only really came into my own in social settings through theatre and embracing my inner nerd, and not fully until high school. i was a very, very sickly child: i spent a summer at children’s hospital; had pneumonia; yearly came down with strep throat- and in junior high i developed athletically-induced asthma { from which i still suffer }, and in adulthood have developed allergies and migraines. a large percentage of the time, i *DO* feel unsafe and i have been accused of being paranoid.

and what is most HEART-BREAKING to me is, looking back at it, it’s highly HIGHLY likely my mother { whom i love dearly, and consider my FIRST best-friend } was silently suffering with depression, most likely not even realizing it, since it did take close to a decade for her to accept that depression is a medical condition and not a spiritual affliction. it breaks my heart, because i can’t talk to her about it: my parents like to keep the past, the past.  how much more love and respect and honor and sheer awe do i have now for this woman. <3

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Posted on 30 March, 2016, in serious stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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