Category Archives: deep thoughts

on the need to belong

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perhaps it is some sort of left-over, psychic residue from being adopted, but i struggle to feel like i belong anywhere.  i mean, in the greater, universal, scheme of things– i obviously feel like i belong in my immediate family…but that’s really about it.

growing up, i always had theatre. it was my loving, accepting family of misfits. as i age, i find it more and more difficult to discover that niche.

while searching for an image for this entry, i came across a quote that really resonated with me: “because true belong only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance,”{ brene brown }. normally, i think of myself as being full of self-acceptance…so why do i yearn to “belong to something greater”???

at work, there’s a large group of my peers that all attend the same place of worship. { that was weird in and of itself to me, getting re-use to people talking openly about their spirituality. never happened in california, THAT’s for sure! } i attended once, just to check it out, and because a good friend of mine happens to be the minister.  to put it succinctly- NOT MY STYLE. which is fine. but, it kinda hurts/aches/ makes-me-feel-left-out that they all attend there. and all find it spiritually satisfying.  i said to my friend & co-worker N today something tongue-in-cheek about not being one of the “cool kids” that attends there, and she said she maybe goes about once a month. and weirdly, i feel left out.

so, i’m left feeling a deep sense of non-belonging. even as an adult, it hurts.

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help me { i’m an } adult!!!

adulting

it may have reached meme status, but–I’M DONE ADULTING!!! i’m truly at a loss as to how i’m supposed to get decent sleep, eat well/healthy, practice self-care, work, do laundry, pay bills, pay back your student loan, save money for the future, have something that resembles a social life…and NOT end up in a frothy attack of sheer anxiety.

today, 2 bills and my student loan payment were/are due. have i paid them yet? nope. what have i done with my day? stuff that ACTUALLY brings me joy. something i rarely do.

look, i know the reality is that *no one* has their shit together, but why does it feel so much like i’m failing??? like everyone else has at least ONE thing figured out in their life. that everyone else has mastered at least ONE aspect of adulting.

i want to get in shape- mentally & physically.

i want to eat nourishing, healthy foods.

i want a direction in which to take my life: career or otherwise.

i want to not be so damn sleepy all the time.

i want to have friends i do things with, and not like i’m some lonely hermit because i also want to stay at home.

i want to feel like i belong somewhere.

i want to not have raging panic attacks.

mostly, i want to go back and be a kid again, so the only worries i have are trivial.

 

meditations on ashes & dust

i have always loved the liturgical season of lent. a drawing within; deep introspection and solitude in anticipation of easter. i attended an ash wednesday service last night–for the past 3 or 4 years, it is one of the only times i still attend church, the other time being good friday. during the service, a blessing was shared, and i continue to reflect on its words even now:

{ from Circle of Grace, by jan richardson }

Return
Remember.
You were built for this,
the ancient path
inscribed upon your bones,
the persistent pattern
echoing in your heartbeat.

Let this be the season
you turn your face
toward the One who calls to you:

Return, return.

Let this be the day
you open wide your arms
to the wind that knows
how to bear you
home.

i went up to receive the imposition of ashes { when the pastor/minister places a small cross in ash upon the forehead to remember/contemplate both our origin- dust/ash, and our destination- dust/ash } and then returned to my seat. later, as i drove home, i was reminded of other writings which speak to just how marvelous ashes & dust can be, which i will leave below:

  • I would rather be ashes than dust!
    I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
    I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
    The function of man is to live, not to exist.
    I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
    I shall use my time.  { jack london }

 

  • The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff. { carl sagan}

 

  • The atoms of our bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust. { neil degrasse tyson }

 

be { ye } not afraid

i had a very over excited { read: emotional } night last night. like many people, i’m faced with crippling anxiety, serious self-doubt, and a general lack of direction in life. one too many worries must have been floating around in my head, because i snapped. all the emotional vomit came pouring out of my mouth, while tears poured down my face. in the midst of all this, my knight in nerdy armour { aka. spousal-unit, aka. husband } held me; comforted me. and he asked me a very serious question: if fear wasn’t an issue { that is, if it COULD NOT stand in your way }, what would you want to be doing?

i wish i could say i had a moment of clarity.

today at work, my co-worker R and i were catching up. in his “real” occupation, he’s a minister, and his calling is stories.  on one of his recent hikes, he was wrestling with the pull he feels to write. in a quiet moment, he felt a presence/heard g_d’s voice: “do not be afraid of greatness”.  and then R told me that i need that message too. perhaps i do.

 

{ below image is courtesy of r. wilson} IMG_2606

 

sentimentality & cinema

i’m not one for overly sappy movies. yes, i love a happy ending, but not necessarily the all-tie-up-with-a-bow, pretty-package endings- drivel and fluff with unrealistic expectations. what really gets to me are films that have a more pragmatic view on life, and yet, still contain a satisfying and realistically “happy” ending.

last night, i randomly picked a movie on netflix, based on the brief description and the cast. Hector and the Search for Happiness – which is based off a french novel- did not disappoint. In it, the titular hector { played by the delightful as ever simon pegg }, feeling like he is stuck in a rut, travels the world in search of finding what truly brings happiness to people. the comedy was subtle, and the cinematography was stunning. hector’s journey was cringeworthy at times, humbling, terrifying, and eye-opening, and in the end, our “hero” hector has grown as a character and come to the amazing { yet not SO amazing } discovery that the happiness he thought had eluded him, was there all along.

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in many ways, it reminded me of another favourite film: Away We Go, which is also a journey-of-self-discovery movie.  in it, burt { john krasinski } and verona { maya rudolph } travel to various cities in north america, seeking a place to put down roots and call home, since they are expecting their first child. each city presents a host of positives and negatives, and they are faced with the challenge/reality that not everything { or everyone } it quite what it seems. in the end, they “discover” home in a beautiful, realistic, emotional, and SATISFYING way.

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