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hide my head i want to drown my sorrow { no tomorrow, no tomorrow }

i am not strong enough.

my entire body aches & throbs as if it’s been crushed by a steamroller. moving hurts. breathing hurts.

i can barely stay awake, because sleep is all my body & weary, weary soul can handle right now.

and yet i feel guilty. guilty for my pain. guilty for my inability to cope. guilty that i am not strong enough to make it though the day…because i, i am one of the “lucky ones”. i read as cis-gendered and white. i live in the { relative } safety of a liberal city in a liberal state.  i am employed. i have benefits.

still, i fear for my life. i fear for my friend’s lives. i fear for the future we are creating. i fear for my nephew, for my friends’ children…i fear for all women. i fear for all people of color. i fear for people who love the same gender as they are. i fear for all marriages. i fear for trans*folk. i fear for all people of “non-christian” faith.  i fear for immigrants. i fear for all of us with mental health issues. i fear for all “disabled” folk. i fear for all of us who LOVE FIERCELY. i fear. i fear. i fear.

I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH

mists of mind

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one of the many definitions of GUILT, as defined by the merriam-webster dictionary, reads thus: a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy 

that secondary part— feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy— i find to be deeply ingrained in me. i find myself “feeling guilt” for absurd reasons, and i’m not sure from which aspect of my life it comes from: being female? being adopted? being raised Lutheran? being working class? all of the above????

i am beyond fortunate enough to have an incredible spouse- among the bazillion of selfless and amazing things he does for me, to celebrate my upcoming birthday { a mid-decade-benchmark } he is taking me back to japan. JAPAN! i should be excited…hell, i **AM** excited, yet i find it hard to talk about. i was even going to keep it secret from my parents!

why do i “feel guilty” about this trip? is it because i don’t think i am deserving?  that i sense i am inadequate of such attentions?