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hide my head i want to drown my sorrow { no tomorrow, no tomorrow }

i am not strong enough.

my entire body aches & throbs as if it’s been crushed by a steamroller. moving hurts. breathing hurts.

i can barely stay awake, because sleep is all my body & weary, weary soul can handle right now.

and yet i feel guilty. guilty for my pain. guilty for my inability to cope. guilty that i am not strong enough to make it though the day…because i, i am one of the “lucky ones”. i read as cis-gendered and white. i live in the { relative } safety of a liberal city in a liberal state.  i am employed. i have benefits.

still, i fear for my life. i fear for my friend’s lives. i fear for the future we are creating. i fear for my nephew, for my friends’ children…i fear for all women. i fear for all people of color. i fear for people who love the same gender as they are. i fear for all marriages. i fear for trans*folk. i fear for all people of “non-christian” faith.  i fear for immigrants. i fear for all of us with mental health issues. i fear for all “disabled” folk. i fear for all of us who LOVE FIERCELY. i fear. i fear. i fear.

I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH

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an update on the lack of updates

you know how sometimes you get grandiose plans to accomplish things { and stuff! } and then life gets in the way?!?!? yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah……..that.

during october i managed to balance the chaos of: my parents visiting for a week; an extended-weekend of insanely early, long distance commutes to work off-site; my spouse’s sister coming to visit { a weekend earlier than we had planned– our mistake, not hers } ; AND our good friends’ wedding, which of course included the bachelor/hen’s night parties, rehearsal, rehearsal DINNER, ceremony, reception, and day-after brunch festivities. on top of that, i managed to go to therapy { yeah self-care! } and not miss a single work shift…. needless, to say, it’s been exhausting and emotionally taxing.

i ALSO managed to check a few more things off the list…but those will have to wait for another post.

autumn interruption

img_20160923_213333as anticipated, my has already gotten in the way of my list. mainly having to be at an off-site work event at *ass balls* of early in the morning. 6 am today. 5 am tomorrow. 6 am sunday. that’s when i have to BE there so i’m waking up 1.5 hours before. ugh.

in lieu of being rested enough to apply myself to the list, i present instead some gorgeous leaves i gathered up today. YAY AUTUMN!!!