Blog Archives

the shortening of days

every year, the length of daylight ebbs and flows…it’s impossible not to notice. the languorously long, sun-soaked summer days eventually give way to the chilled, dreary-dark of winter. and yet, i have never noticed it quite as much as this year.  though i recollect the year i lived in rural japan {“teaching” english}, where in august it was bright past 11, and in december, it was pitch dark walking home from work at 4, never before have i noticed how i tend to embody the changes in season. perhaps, i never took the time to notice.

more than ever, i’m recognizing patterns: in the foods i crave, in the activities i want to do, in the beer i drink, and in how i notice/partake in time. in the bright months of summer, i want nothing more than to be outdoors–even if it’s just reading a book, with a thermos of unsweetened, iced green tea or mugicha by my side. i crave cold/cool things, lighter in body, simpler in profile: sushi, salads, watermelon, fresh fruits/veggies, cold pasta/chicken/tuna salads. i drink hefeweizens, pale ales, things low in abv. and above all, even with loads of sunlight, it feels like i never have enough time to accomplish everything i want to–> time slips by unnoticed.

in contrast, these shortened days we’re now facing, i’m amazed at all i get done before the sun sets, particularly on my days off. i drink heavy-bodied ales: stouts, porters, things barrel-aged, barleywines, spiced ales, pumpkin beers. i want hot, rich, savoury foods: casseroles, soups, crock pot meals, fresh-baked breads, root vegetables & gourds, things loaded with cheese/sour cream/ butter. i prefer being indoors, under loads of blankets, with my kitties on my lap- sipping hot cocoa, cider or small-earthenware pots filled with lapsang souchong or puerrh.

even with all the technology at our finger tips- instant communication, movie streaming, the “plugged in” culture- and all the modern “food” conveniences- like raspberries at the grocers in january or the conveyor-belt sushi joint by work–it’s absolutely,mindbogglingly amazing to me how my body still is in tune with its surroundings. it hasn’t lost touch with seasonality, and i endeavour to do the same

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impressions from last evening

i arrived at the tap house where my spousal unit works about an hour before he was finished–plenty of time to relax & enjoy a pint before he was done. it’s a small, cozy place with only a handful of tables { very neighbourhood feel to the place } but around 40 beers on tap.

the tv mounted on the wall was tuned to the syfy channel, showing some b-flick that had both jena malone and one of the ashmore twins in it. i tried to find it on imdb, but the phone app version wasn’t very forth coming. so, if anyone knows what it was, i’m curious.

there was another table with a solo gal; she was engrossed in a harry potter novel and dressed like she wished her pivotal years of growing up had been the early nineties: black toque over a mane of curly hair, nose ring & septum piercing, black ringed eyes, over-sized red plaid flannel shirt over an even more over-sized white t-shirt/dress, black leggings and doc martins. it was a great outfit.

the table closest to me was full of loud { and boy do i mean loud }, really drunk hipsters. with a lapdog. when i first sat down they were yelling about how awesome said dog was and snapping selfies with the pooch, as well as snapping pics of the skinnier of the gals who was double-fisting 2 pints. sigh. and then, some how, comic-con came up. that’s when it got irritating: it is no secret that i am a HUGE nerdy geek and proud. i love my fellow nerds, and, having just last weekend, attended my first PAX { all four days, baby! } i just knew it was going to get painful to hear them { because, let’s be honest, they were too damn loud to just ignore }. and boy was i right. double-fist girl got all excited about dressing up outside of halloween “you mean, i get to wear a costume? omg guys? what should i be?” the unanimous vote was { this is a direct quote }: “that princess leia chick when she’s in prison by jabba the hutt.” slave leia. because THAT’S original.  she didn’t get the reference at first until the other girl was like: { more direct quote } “you know, from that star wars movie…with the 3CPO { her words } robot and…the fish-dude…general ackbar?” they all then spent about 5 minutes repeating, “it’s a trap!” while i literally face-palmed myself and caught the eye of nineties chick who also had an incredulous look on her face.

after that lovely repartee, a group of 4 guys- all dressed like stereotypical metal-heads, sat down at the table directly next to mine. oh great, i thought, it’s going to get even louder. much to my surprise, not only were they non-yellers, but their conversation ran the gamut from MAGIC the gathering, to D&D, to online RPGs, to their impressions of this year’s PAX.  and they had a heated discussion about their next dungeon crawl!

 

just goes to show…you truly CANNOT judge a book by it cover.

“guest post”: depression

it’s no secret that many of us battle day-in-day-out with various forms and degrees of depression. i have been thinking a lot, recently, of my own on going battle with the disease that lies { as i prefer to call it }. instead of giving you all the long, drawn out history, i’m going to attempt to condense it all into brief tidbits, and then allow the “guest posts” { aka other bloggers/webcomics  i will gladly give full credit to } to speak their truths in a more enjoyable way.

my mother claims i always battled the “dark and morose” feelings and was an emotional rollercoaster even at the tender age of 4. in my own recollection, the onslaught of the disease that lies began my senior year of high school, and manifested itself as crazy, brutal, epic panic attacks of doom! { registered trademark } that sent me home on a semi-regular basis. i was overwhelmed with the thought of dying–and not in the suicidal way– no no, i was CONVINCED that i was about to die, any second. driving home from school, i would chant mantras of “please let me live until my parents come home so i can tell them i love them” or “please don’t let me die, because then my car will careen out of control and take innocent people with me”….it was horrible, and followed me through several states and into my early college career. the anxiety difused, but never fully went away { every once in a blue moon, i still get an epic attack }, instead turning into a constant monologue of self-deprecation and doubt.

this general “depression” was made worse by a year of non-voluntary, semi-confinement { also known as teaching english in a foreign country } wear my nearest native-english speaking neighbour was a 20 minute drive away, i didn’t have a car for the first 4 months, and said person was a misogynist chode. matters were made worse by the committee of elderly “gentlemen” who were my direct supervisors and made me feel like shit about myself for not being the MALE TEACHER they had requested. so enduring a year of this, on top of recovering from major anxiety, and plagued with all sorts of other demons, has left me more broken than i would be…which is unfortunate in that, besides the suckitude of making me feel isolated and unworthy and alone, that year abroad was actually quite an amazing experience. had i been placed somewhere more central, or with less old-fashioned, misogynist bosses, i’d be way better adapted.

SIGH. which brings me to the “guest” part of this post….because all these amazing people are going through similar feelings that i deal with at least on a weekly basis.

the admirable wil wheaton from his blog/mini-empire wilwheaton.net : an excerpt:   I haven’t ever felt suicidal, but I do have Depression and Anxiety. I suffered for no good reason for decades, until I couldn’t reconcile my awesome life with feeling terrible all the time. Talking therapy wasn’t ever enough for me, and I was very resistant to medication, because I believed (and continue to believe) that we are an over-medicated culture.

another incredible person the bloggess { aka jenny larson } updates often on her struggles, so i’m including not one, but TWO links…this one is about depression greeting cards and brings awareness to national mental health awareness week.  this one is more introspective, and really brings home the message that **depression lies**—When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t.  We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

finally, for those of you who are more visual, i give you “adventures in depression” by the fabulous webcomic artist/site hyberbole and a halfthis is just part one of her journey, which is concluded in her most recent post “depression: part two”, where she so aptly describes what suffering from the disease that lies is really like: At first, I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely, but since you’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you’re stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.

with that, i leave you with this panel from hyperbole and a halfDEPRESSIONTWO8.2

early morning wake up call

upcoming…

so a little tease-trailer for all. i was listening to NPR on my way to work the other day and the book {memoir} they were reviewing gave me an idea for an upcoming series of posts. it will be tentatively titled: “letters to friends i’ve lost/letters to friends i’ve maintained . fairly self-explanatory. subjects will be veiled in anonymity. i figure, sometimes there are things you would LIKE to be able to say to friends, or former friends, but either don’t have the means or you’ve literally lost touch. so this will be an opportunity to explore those things.