keeping myself accountable
way, way, waaaaaaaaay back now, i made a list of things and slowly but surely i have been able to tick some off my list. if i’m being completely honest, did i think i would still be working on this list OVER 6 MONTHS LATER? no. no i did not. but i am grateful that i have not given up, not turned my back on these mini-projects that are making me whole again.
so a quick update on which i’ve “newly” accomplished: #4 { returning to yoga }, #5 { exploring various faith communities }, #9 { creating something as a gift to give away }, #17 { learning a new skill from/with someone }, #18 { having a “terribly adult” conversation }, #21 { re-purposing something}, #22 { doing something wildly outside my norm }, and #28 { spending the day being crafty }.
an imbolc prayer
for all the times you have been silenced:
may you take pride in voicing your opinions without fear
for all the times you have felt alone, left out, unworthy, unwanted:
may those deep wounds be healed; may you find yourself surrounded by love & support
for the years you felt trapped by gender roles:
may you be freed daily from oppression
for the times you have been quiet, meek, timid, and worried about other’s opinions:
may you find a willingness to share yourself with others; to know your true value & worth
for the times you feel self-doubt:
may you see what i see in you and recognize your inner strength. may you know that you reside in the Divine, and She resides in you.
blessed be.
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow { no tomorrow, no tomorrow }
i am not strong enough.
my entire body aches & throbs as if it’s been crushed by a steamroller. moving hurts. breathing hurts.
i can barely stay awake, because sleep is all my body & weary, weary soul can handle right now.
and yet i feel guilty. guilty for my pain. guilty for my inability to cope. guilty that i am not strong enough to make it though the day…because i, i am one of the “lucky ones”. i read as cis-gendered and white. i live in the { relative } safety of a liberal city in a liberal state. i am employed. i have benefits.
still, i fear for my life. i fear for my friend’s lives. i fear for the future we are creating. i fear for my nephew, for my friends’ children…i fear for all women. i fear for all people of color. i fear for people who love the same gender as they are. i fear for all marriages. i fear for trans*folk. i fear for all people of “non-christian” faith. i fear for immigrants. i fear for all of us with mental health issues. i fear for all “disabled” folk. i fear for all of us who LOVE FIERCELY. i fear. i fear. i fear.
I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH
an update on the lack of updates
you know how sometimes you get grandiose plans to accomplish things { and stuff! } and then life gets in the way?!?!? yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah……..that.
during october i managed to balance the chaos of: my parents visiting for a week; an extended-weekend of insanely early, long distance commutes to work off-site; my spouse’s sister coming to visit { a weekend earlier than we had planned– our mistake, not hers } ; AND our good friends’ wedding, which of course included the bachelor/hen’s night parties, rehearsal, rehearsal DINNER, ceremony, reception, and day-after brunch festivities. on top of that, i managed to go to therapy { yeah self-care! } and not miss a single work shift…. needless, to say, it’s been exhausting and emotionally taxing.
i ALSO managed to check a few more things off the list…but those will have to wait for another post.
#12 & 13: reading in a public setting; practicing self-care–massage
not much to say about #13- practicing self-care:massage. i booked a 90 minute massage at a local place. it was heavenly! soothing music, muscle manipulation, a heated massage table !!! i think i struggle with justifying spending a huge chunk of money on something so fleeting, particularly because it’s sole purpose is to care for myself. $100+ for a tattoo…that’s fine because it literally lasts forever. around $100/month for unlimited yoga classes {which i’m not currently doing….it’s on the list} seems reasonable because you’re building a healthy practice. but $ for massage….i struggle with feeling “i’m worth it.”
on #12, reading in a public setting…i thought it would be an easy challenge. i love reading. i’m never bothered by taking a book to say a park or the beach to read. however, on two different days, my book and i went out into the world for food/coffee and reading time. i’m not sure if i feel awkward or pathetic or what, but both times, at both locations, i could barely stand staying more than 30 minutes after finishing the food or beverage before me. probably due to the fact that i used to work in cafes, and hated when people would sit at tables FOR HOURS knitting or reading or doing school work without ordering more. do i feel i must spend more to be allowed to stay and read? quite possibly….
autumn interruption
as anticipated, my has already gotten in the way of my list. mainly having to be at an off-site work event at *ass balls* of early in the morning. 6 am today. 5 am tomorrow. 6 am sunday. that’s when i have to BE there so i’m waking up 1.5 hours before. ugh.
in lieu of being rested enough to apply myself to the list, i present instead some gorgeous leaves i gathered up today. YAY AUTUMN!!!