hide my head i want to drown my sorrow { no tomorrow, no tomorrow }

i am not strong enough.

my entire body aches & throbs as if it’s been crushed by a steamroller. moving hurts. breathing hurts.

i can barely stay awake, because sleep is all my body & weary, weary soul can handle right now.

and yet i feel guilty. guilty for my pain. guilty for my inability to cope. guilty that i am not strong enough to make it though the day…because i, i am one of the “lucky ones”. i read as cis-gendered and white. i live in the { relative } safety of a liberal city in a liberal state.  i am employed. i have benefits.

still, i fear for my life. i fear for my friend’s lives. i fear for the future we are creating. i fear for my nephew, for my friends’ children…i fear for all women. i fear for all people of color. i fear for people who love the same gender as they are. i fear for all marriages. i fear for trans*folk. i fear for all people of “non-christian” faith.  i fear for immigrants. i fear for all of us with mental health issues. i fear for all “disabled” folk. i fear for all of us who LOVE FIERCELY. i fear. i fear. i fear.

I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH

mists of mind

one of the many definitions of GUILT, as defined by the merriam-webster dictionary, reads thus: a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy 

that secondary part— feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy— i find to be deeply ingrained in me. i find myself “feeling guilt” for absurd reasons, and i’m not sure from which aspect of my life it comes from: being female? being adopted? being raised Lutheran? being working class? all of the above????

i am beyond fortunate enough to have an incredible spouse- among the bazillion of selfless and amazing things he does for me, to celebrate my upcoming birthday { a mid-decade-benchmark } he is taking me back to japan. JAPAN! i should be excited…hell, i **AM** excited, yet i find it hard to talk about. i was even going to keep it secret from my parents!

why do i “feel guilty” about this trip? is it because i don’t think i am deserving?  that i sense i am inadequate of such attentions?

help me { i’m an } adult!!!

it may have reached meme status, but–I’M DONE ADULTING!!! i’m truly at a loss as to how i’m supposed to get decent sleep, eat well/healthy, practice self-care, work, do laundry, pay bills, pay back your student loan, save money for the future, have something that resembles a social life…and NOT end up in a frothy attack of sheer anxiety.

today, 2 bills and my student loan payment were/are due. have i paid them yet? nope. what have i done with my day? stuff that ACTUALLY brings me joy. something i rarely do.

look, i know the reality is that *no one* has their shit together, but why does it feel so much like i’m failing??? like everyone else has at least ONE thing figured out in their life. that everyone else has mastered at least ONE aspect of adulting.

i want to get in shape- mentally & physically.

i want to eat nourishing, healthy foods.

i want a direction in which to take my life: career or otherwise.

i want to not be so damn sleepy all the time.

i want to have friends i do things with, and not like i’m some lonely hermit because i also want to stay at home.

i want to feel like i belong somewhere.

i want to not have raging panic attacks.

mostly, i want to go back and be a kid again, so the only worries i have are trivial.

 

dog-sitting…AKA why i’m a cat person

a co-worker who lives in my neighbourhood is on vacation, and i mistakenly thought i could be helpful and earn a bit of extra cash by dog-sitting. especially since, for the most part, i do love dogs. i have a dream someday of having a ridiculous corgi { or corgi/something mix } which i will name “ein”, which is nerd-tastic on 2 counts: 1. “ein” is the corgi in the anime cowboy bebop and 2. with my last name, said pup would be “ein stein”. love it.

anywho, i digress. these 2 doggies i’m watching are boxer terriers and have the cutest, slobbery-est faces ever. but BOY HOWDY are they pistols to care for. dogs, unlike cats, have to go outside to use the facilities. dogs, unlike cats, need crap tons of attention and *DEMAND* to be played with. dogs will wake you up in the middle of the night to go outside. dogs will bark at anything, real or imaginary, that strikes their fancy. but the worst is dogs are idiots that will eat anything they feel like in the yard, including things that are NOT good for them—grasses, weeds, bugs, their own/each other’s poop, etcc. which will, in turn, make them VIOLENTLY ILL where upon they will, for several days, puke, pee & shit pretty much anywhere they please. 

not cool dogs, not cool.

when you’re feeling sad & lonely…

…you obviously stop updating your blog. { speaking from experience here }

this last month has been really really hard. i started  this project/blog in an attempt to make progress/move forward in discovering myself and the world around me. but i find myself constantly sliding backwards into old habits and old & destructive mindsets. i know writing about it would be therapeutic, but who really wants to read another woe-is-me-my-life-sucks-will-it-ever-get-better-type blog post? { ironically, some of the most helpful & reassuring posts i’ve read are from people i respect who write honestly about their struggles. so maybe people WOULD read it. hmmmmmm }

i am truly at a loss to express the depths of emotion i’m feeling. how much pain and anger and strife i am currently going through.

i am in desperate need of a miracle, folks. and i am not beyond asking for your help. so if you are reading this { all *two* of you } i need your strength. your prayers. your well-wishes. your spells. your charms. your thoughts. i need to be upheld. i need a miracle.