an imbolc prayer

for all the times you have been silenced:

may you take pride in voicing your opinions without fear

for all the times you have felt alone, left out, unworthy, unwanted:

may those deep wounds be healed; may you find yourself surrounded by love & support

for the years you felt trapped by gender roles:

may you be freed daily from oppression

for the times you have been quiet, meek, timid, and worried about other’s opinions:

may you find a willingness to share yourself with others; to know your true value & worth

for the times you feel self-doubt:

may you see what i see in you and recognize your inner strength. may you know that you reside in the Divine, and She resides in you.

blessed be.

 

an update on the lack of updates

you know how sometimes you get grandiose plans to accomplish things { and stuff! } and then life gets in the way?!?!? yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah……..that.

during october i managed to balance the chaos of: my parents visiting for a week; an extended-weekend of insanely early, long distance commutes to work off-site; my spouse’s sister coming to visit { a weekend earlier than we had planned– our mistake, not hers } ; AND our good friends’ wedding, which of course included the bachelor/hen’s night parties, rehearsal, rehearsal DINNER, ceremony, reception, and day-after brunch festivities. on top of that, i managed to go to therapy { yeah self-care! } and not miss a single work shift…. needless, to say, it’s been exhausting and emotionally taxing.

i ALSO managed to check a few more things off the list…but those will have to wait for another post.

autumn interruption

as anticipated, my has already gotten in the way of my list. mainly having to be at an off-site work event at *ass balls* of early in the morning. 6 am today. 5 am tomorrow. 6 am sunday. that’s when i have to BE there so i’m waking up 1.5 hours before. ugh.

in lieu of being rested enough to apply myself to the list, i present instead some gorgeous leaves i gathered up today. YAY AUTUMN!!!

turn and face the strange {changes}

an interesting thing came up in my most recent therapy session…and it tumbled down a rabbit hole, leading me to this article existential depression in gifted individuals. in response to recent self-revelations, i’ve decided to post a list.

in a perfect world, this would be a “35 {or whatever} challenges in 35 {or however} days” type list. but i’m realistic. life gets in the way. DEPRESSION and ANXIETY sure as hell get in the way. some of the listed things can only be reported on after through digestion. some are relatively “easy”. some terrify me.

so….having been faced with/accused of “having a resistance to life” {apparently my personal existential crisis} i present to you– for accountability sake–

saying “yes”: i choose to embrace {change in x number of days}:

mists of mind

one of the many definitions of GUILT, as defined by the merriam-webster dictionary, reads thus: a :  the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b :  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy 

that secondary part— feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy— i find to be deeply ingrained in me. i find myself “feeling guilt” for absurd reasons, and i’m not sure from which aspect of my life it comes from: being female? being adopted? being raised Lutheran? being working class? all of the above????

i am beyond fortunate enough to have an incredible spouse- among the bazillion of selfless and amazing things he does for me, to celebrate my upcoming birthday { a mid-decade-benchmark } he is taking me back to japan. JAPAN! i should be excited…hell, i **AM** excited, yet i find it hard to talk about. i was even going to keep it secret from my parents!

why do i “feel guilty” about this trip? is it because i don’t think i am deserving?  that i sense i am inadequate of such attentions?

power of the subconscious mind

this past monday, i underwent my first ever session of hypnotherapy. over the years of “regular” talk-based therapy, generative somatic therapy, and the like, i keep coming up against figurative brick walls, where no more insight or progress can be made. my current { and totally awesome therapist } likes to describe herself as “a little bit WOO”, as in she is also a trained hypnotherapist, reiki practitioner, and knowledgeable in all sorts of alternative practices { chakras, chinese medicine, etc.}. i finally decided to take the plunge and give hypnotherapy a try, since i fear a deeply rooted self-sabotage is WHY i keep hitting those walls.

i didn’t know what to expect, so i was nervous/anxious/excited all at once. going into a trance state, where the subconscious mind can be accessed, felt a lot like being submerged under water: my ears felt plugged up, i felt heavy & hazy, i was aware of myself but not completely able to control basic movements–nodding my head or signaling that i was rooting something into place took EXTREME effort. the one thing that i take away from this first experience, which was really about setting parameters for future session work, is that i am deeply influenced by madeleine l’engle’s A WRINKLE IN TIME.

help me { i’m an } adult!!!

it may have reached meme status, but–I’M DONE ADULTING!!! i’m truly at a loss as to how i’m supposed to get decent sleep, eat well/healthy, practice self-care, work, do laundry, pay bills, pay back your student loan, save money for the future, have something that resembles a social life…and NOT end up in a frothy attack of sheer anxiety.

today, 2 bills and my student loan payment were/are due. have i paid them yet? nope. what have i done with my day? stuff that ACTUALLY brings me joy. something i rarely do.

look, i know the reality is that *no one* has their shit together, but why does it feel so much like i’m failing??? like everyone else has at least ONE thing figured out in their life. that everyone else has mastered at least ONE aspect of adulting.

i want to get in shape- mentally & physically.

i want to eat nourishing, healthy foods.

i want a direction in which to take my life: career or otherwise.

i want to not be so damn sleepy all the time.

i want to have friends i do things with, and not like i’m some lonely hermit because i also want to stay at home.

i want to feel like i belong somewhere.

i want to not have raging panic attacks.

mostly, i want to go back and be a kid again, so the only worries i have are trivial.

 

meditations on ashes & dust

i have always loved the liturgical season of lent. a drawing within; deep introspection and solitude in anticipation of easter. i attended an ash wednesday service last night–for the past 3 or 4 years, it is one of the only times i still attend church, the other time being good friday. during the service, a blessing was shared, and i continue to reflect on its words even now:

{ from Circle of Grace, by jan richardson }

Return
Remember.
You were built for this,
the ancient path
inscribed upon your bones,
the persistent pattern
echoing in your heartbeat.

Let this be the season
you turn your face
toward the One who calls to you:

Return, return.

Let this be the day
you open wide your arms
to the wind that knows
how to bear you
home.

i went up to receive the imposition of ashes { when the pastor/minister places a small cross in ash upon the forehead to remember/contemplate both our origin- dust/ash, and our destination- dust/ash } and then returned to my seat. later, as i drove home, i was reminded of other writings which speak to just how marvelous ashes & dust can be, which i will leave below:

• I would rather be ashes than dust!
  I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
  I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
  The function of man is to live, not to exist.
  I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
  I shall use my time.  { jack london }

 

• The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. We are made of starstuff. { carl sagan}

 

• The atoms of our bodies are traceable to stars that manufactured them in their cores and exploded these enriched ingredients across our galaxy, billions of years ago. For this reason, we are biologically connected to every other living thing in the world. We are chemically connected to all molecules on Earth. And we are atomically connected to all atoms in the universe. We are not figuratively, but literally stardust. { neil degrasse tyson }

 

be { ye } not afraid

i had a very over excited { read: emotional } night last night. like many people, i’m faced with crippling anxiety, serious self-doubt, and a general lack of direction in life. one too many worries must have been floating around in my head, because i snapped. all the emotional vomit came pouring out of my mouth, while tears poured down my face. in the midst of all this, my knight in nerdy armour { aka. spousal-unit, aka. husband } held me; comforted me. and he asked me a very serious question: if fear wasn’t an issue { that is, if it COULD NOT stand in your way }, what would you want to be doing?

i wish i could say i had a moment of clarity.

today at work, my co-worker R and i were catching up. in his “real” occupation, he’s a minister, and his calling is stories.  on one of his recent hikes, he was wrestling with the pull he feels to write. in a quiet moment, he felt a presence/heard g_d’s voice: “do not be afraid of greatness”.  and then R told me that i need that message too. perhaps i do.

 

{ below image is courtesy of r. wilson} 

 

random acts of kindness

as i was waiting in a lobby today, i decided to flip through the various magazines stacked on the table beside me, instead of my usual phone/internet time. as i was about to pick up psychology today { yes, i’m a nerd, thank you kindly. } my eye was drawn to about half a dozen, colourful, little squares scattered about the table. some said believe, the others said be happy–both had subscript that read pop open here –> .

i was intrigued { sort of like alice in wonderland, coaxed to either eat or drink me }.

i picked up a be happy, since the message spoke more to me, but before i opened it, i turned it over…there was a HAND-WRITTEN MESSAGE: “I hope you’re happy, but it’s okay if you’re not…your time will come. Have faith :)”  i teared up a bit. it was exactly what i needed to be told. it’s okay to not be happy.  i can be at peace with that because my time will come.

i finally opened the tiny card, and typed inside was this: “Begin doing what you want to do now… We only have this moment sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake. Marie Beynon Ray”

utterly beautiful.

these little random acts of kindness, left behind by a stranger.

i investigated once i got home, and found these little gems { ThoughtFulls }.  as cheesy as it sounds, i sort of want to “pay it forward”- i’m tempted to get a pack of love life, be happy, dream, & hope so i too can leave secret, random acts of kindness behind for others to discover.