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an update on the lack of updates

you know how sometimes you get grandiose plans to accomplish things { and stuff! } and then life gets in the way?!?!? yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah……..that.

during october i managed to balance the chaos of: my parents visiting for a week; an extended-weekend of insanely early, long distance commutes to work off-site; my spouse’s sister coming to visit { a weekend earlier than we had planned– our mistake, not hers } ; AND our good friends’ wedding, which of course included the bachelor/hen’s night parties, rehearsal, rehearsal DINNER, ceremony, reception, and day-after brunch festivities. on top of that, i managed to go to therapy { yeah self-care! } and not miss a single work shift…. needless, to say, it’s been exhausting and emotionally taxing.

i ALSO managed to check a few more things off the list…but those will have to wait for another post.

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#27, 20, & 23: one day-many yeses!

last week, i made a list, challenging myself to turn and face the strange.

yesterday was something of a “powerhouse” day, where i managed to accomplish 3 off my list. {for the record, just because it’s been achieved doesn’t mean it’s a one-and-done situation. this is suppose to help me grow, after all } i hung out with an old friend {#27}, shared my happy place with someone new {#20}, and practiced a random act of selflessness {#23}.

my friend K, whom i have known since living in the bay area over 5 years ago, and her significant other, A, just moved to our fair city from boston.  the spousal unit and i have hung out with the 2 of them a few times since they’ve moved…but yesterday, K and i had lunch/coffee, i gave her a walking tour of my favourite neighbourhood, AND then took her to my sanctuary/happy place. the random act of selflessness happened during the lunch hour–you will have to trust me that i did something because sharing details feels icky,boastful, and self-serving.

here is a picture of my happy place: it’s at a local park/beach about 1.5 miles from my home. i usually drive there because of steep hills, but i have walked there on days off. the beauty of water, mountains, and forest stuns and calms me.

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letters to friends lost/ letters to friends retained: part two

z,

this will { most likely } never be read by you. i am not sure whether i find that to be a blessing or a hindrance, but i suppose it is what it is.  perhaps it will allow me to share what has been weighing on my heart for the past 7+ years.

i’m not really sure where to begin— when we met? when i first felt utterly hurt/ betrayed? on the reflections i have made since that initial crushing blow? maybe i will begin with the question that has been weighing most heavily on my mind: were we EVER truly friends, or was i just a convenient “accessory friend” to keep around for awhile?

sigh. i am no longer sure what hurt the most. from the very first moment i met you, i felt i had found a kindred spirit. i stood up for you. i fought for you. i had your back when other students questioned your life decisions. i hated all the times that i had to take a backseat to your need to be the center of attention, because i was always willing to let you be, even when i needed it too. it hurt so much when, shortly after i was married { and figured, since you also married young & had many people second guessing your decision, we’d support each other, stick up for each other… } you joined in with all the other skeptics, and singled me out as the reason my spouse was now losing all his friendships. you were supposed to be my best friend! we had lived together, cried together…we had even stood up at each other’s weddings! at the time, though it hurt, i chalked it up to part of your need to fit in with the greater group, to maintain your position as center of attention….and i forgave you.

when i moved away, things got better for awhile. i felt we were repairing our friendship over our phone calls. i listened to all the difficult stuff you were going through at the time, and you listened to me. i figured the long physical distance between us was helping our friendship heal. i was elated.

then came THE INCIDENT. in all truth, i know longer remember the exact details…did you actually send me  a letter or email? or do i just remember it that way??? all i remember is that—out of no where—you made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to have contact with me. i didn’t understand why at the time. i **STILL** don’t completely understand today. perhaps because of the detached way everything happened from then on???

so you sent me a letter. or email. or neither. maybe our mutual friend y told me everything over the phone.  all i knew is- for the time- or friendship was over. and it was somehow my fault. but i didn’t know why or how or what i had done. i THOUGHT i was being a listener/ support/ true friend but you felt very differently. there were months { maybe even years….it’s rather foggy now } of silence.  what felt like overnight, i went from still considering you my best friend to learning you sort-of hated me at the time. and now considered the aforementioned y your best friend. in fact, you had decided y wasn’t only your new best friend, that the 2 of you were the same person/ each other’s doppleganger.

i hated being cut off from you. i worried about you. i missed you. i didn’t understand what i had done wrong, why you didn’t want me in your life. { to this day, i still don’t know completely }

i moved again. to a new state. the same state & city as y.  everytime you called y, it hurt. everytime i had to hear about you from y, it hurt. and then came the nail in the coffin…i *FINALLY* got an explanation about what had been going on…. from y. because you had given her permission to finally tell me. do you realize just how painful that was?!?!? that you had decided i should finally hear what had really been going on, but you didn’t want to tell me yourself. that your new “best friend” got to tell me. and the worst part is, i still don’t get your reasoning.

that was 5 years ago. since then, i think we have seen each other twice. both times have been…fine. civil. even mildly pleasant. but they are a shell of what we were.

here is what i don’t understand: if you thought i was going to judge you, you clearly never really *knew* me.  the things that “drove us apart”…were all things i said/did BECAUSE i cared so deeply for you. and wanted what was best for you. and was always going to be by your side no matter what. and it kills me that y is now your best friend, not because it isn’t me, but because she is an enabler. TRUE friends are the ones who give “tough love”, but let you still be you….not the people who tell you that anything goes and you can do whatever you want. it kills me that we can’t talk about ANY of this, like it’s some deep dark past we’re supposed to ignore. it hurts me because i sooooo desperately care for you, even today, despite everything that’s happened and i’m so pleased to see the person you have become/are becoming and i have the knowledge that it’s all apparently one way.

i wish, sometimes, i could just write you off. a lost friendship.

upcoming…

so a little tease-trailer for all. i was listening to NPR on my way to work the other day and the book {memoir} they were reviewing gave me an idea for an upcoming series of posts. it will be tentatively titled: “letters to friends i’ve lost/letters to friends i’ve maintained . fairly self-explanatory. subjects will be veiled in anonymity. i figure, sometimes there are things you would LIKE to be able to say to friends, or former friends, but either don’t have the means or you’ve literally lost touch. so this will be an opportunity to explore those things.