#12 & 13: reading in a public setting; practicing self-care–massage

not much to say about #13- practicing self-care:massage.  i booked a 90 minute massage at a local place. it was heavenly! soothing music, muscle manipulation, a heated massage table !!! i think i struggle with justifying spending a huge chunk of money on something so fleeting, particularly because it’s sole purpose is to care for myself. $100+ for a tattoo…that’s fine because it literally lasts forever. around $100/month for unlimited yoga classes {which i’m not currently doing….it’s on the list} seems reasonable because you’re building a healthy practice. but $ for massage….i struggle with feeling “i’m worth it.”

on #12, reading in a public setting…i thought it would be an easy challenge. i love reading. i’m never bothered by taking a book to say a park or the beach to read. however, on two different days, my book and i went out into the world for food/coffee and reading time. i’m not sure if i feel awkward or pathetic or what, but both times, at both locations, i could barely stand staying more than 30 minutes after finishing the food or beverage before me. probably due to the fact that i used to work in cafes, and hated when people would sit at tables FOR HOURS knitting or reading or doing school work without ordering more. do i feel i must spend more to be allowed to stay and read? quite possibly….

writing prompt:what is true about you that would make your 8-year-old self cry?

welcome to the start of a new series–this one is DIRECTLY inspired by 7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose { over on mark manson dot net }. the entire article is incredibly thought provoking and out of the ordinary, usually self-help type questions all end up sounding the same: what do you dream of? if money wasn’t an option, what would you do? etc etc etc. so, i’m starting by answering his question number 2: what is true about you today that would make your 8-year-old self cry?

power of the subconscious mind

this past monday, i underwent my first ever session of hypnotherapy. over the years of “regular” talk-based therapy, generative somatic therapy, and the like, i keep coming up against figurative brick walls, where no more insight or progress can be made. my current { and totally awesome therapist } likes to describe herself as “a little bit WOO”, as in she is also a trained hypnotherapist, reiki practitioner, and knowledgeable in all sorts of alternative practices { chakras, chinese medicine, etc.}. i finally decided to take the plunge and give hypnotherapy a try, since i fear a deeply rooted self-sabotage is WHY i keep hitting those walls.

i didn’t know what to expect, so i was nervous/anxious/excited all at once. going into a trance state, where the subconscious mind can be accessed, felt a lot like being submerged under water: my ears felt plugged up, i felt heavy & hazy, i was aware of myself but not completely able to control basic movements–nodding my head or signaling that i was rooting something into place took EXTREME effort. the one thing that i take away from this first experience, which was really about setting parameters for future session work, is that i am deeply influenced by madeleine l’engle’s A WRINKLE IN TIME.

on the need to belong

perhaps it is some sort of left-over, psychic residue from being adopted, but i struggle to feel like i belong anywhere.  i mean, in the greater, universal, scheme of things– i obviously feel like i belong in my immediate family…but that’s really about it.

growing up, i always had theatre. it was my loving, accepting family of misfits. as i age, i find it more and more difficult to discover that niche.

while searching for an image for this entry, i came across a quote that really resonated with me: “because true belong only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance,”{ brene brown }. normally, i think of myself as being full of self-acceptance…so why do i yearn to “belong to something greater”???

at work, there’s a large group of my peers that all attend the same place of worship. { that was weird in and of itself to me, getting re-use to people talking openly about their spirituality. never happened in california, THAT’s for sure! } i attended once, just to check it out, and because a good friend of mine happens to be the minister.  to put it succinctly- NOT MY STYLE. which is fine. but, it kinda hurts/aches/ makes-me-feel-left-out that they all attend there. and all find it spiritually satisfying.  i said to my friend & co-worker N today something tongue-in-cheek about not being one of the “cool kids” that attends there, and she said she maybe goes about once a month. and weirdly, i feel left out.

so, i’m left feeling a deep sense of non-belonging. even as an adult, it hurts.

impressions from last evening

i arrived at the tap house where my spousal unit works about an hour before he was finished–plenty of time to relax & enjoy a pint before he was done. it’s a small, cozy place with only a handful of tables { very neighbourhood feel to the place } but around 40 beers on tap.

the tv mounted on the wall was tuned to the syfy channel, showing some b-flick that had both jena malone and one of the ashmore twins in it. i tried to find it on imdb, but the phone app version wasn’t very forth coming. so, if anyone knows what it was, i’m curious.

there was another table with a solo gal; she was engrossed in a harry potter novel and dressed like she wished her pivotal years of growing up had been the early nineties: black toque over a mane of curly hair, nose ring & septum piercing, black ringed eyes, over-sized red plaid flannel shirt over an even more over-sized white t-shirt/dress, black leggings and doc martins. it was a great outfit.

the table closest to me was full of loud { and boy do i mean loud }, really drunk hipsters. with a lapdog. when i first sat down they were yelling about how awesome said dog was and snapping selfies with the pooch, as well as snapping pics of the skinnier of the gals who was double-fisting 2 pints. sigh. and then, some how, comic-con came up. that’s when it got irritating: it is no secret that i am a HUGE nerdy geek and proud. i love my fellow nerds, and, having just last weekend, attended my first PAX { all four days, baby! } i just knew it was going to get painful to hear them { because, let’s be honest, they were too damn loud to just ignore }. and boy was i right. double-fist girl got all excited about dressing up outside of halloween “you mean, i get to wear a costume? omg guys? what should i be?” the unanimous vote was { this is a direct quote }: “that princess leia chick when she’s in prison by jabba the hutt.” slave leia. because THAT’S original.  she didn’t get the reference at first until the other girl was like: { more direct quote } “you know, from that star wars movie…with the 3CPO { her words } robot and…the fish-dude…general ackbar?” they all then spent about 5 minutes repeating, “it’s a trap!” while i literally face-palmed myself and caught the eye of nineties chick who also had an incredulous look on her face.

after that lovely repartee, a group of 4 guys- all dressed like stereotypical metal-heads, sat down at the table directly next to mine. oh great, i thought, it’s going to get even louder. much to my surprise, not only were they non-yellers, but their conversation ran the gamut from MAGIC the gathering, to D&D, to online RPGs, to their impressions of this year’s PAX.  and they had a heated discussion about their next dungeon crawl!

 

just goes to show…you truly CANNOT judge a book by it cover.