Blog Archives
little victories
i just got back from a 2-mile walk. i realize that may not sound terribly impressive, but to me, it’s a fairly big deal. in my life, i want to be more active. i want to be fit and healthy. i want to live a long life with my awesome spousal unit. depression gets in the way. A LOT!
in therapy yesterday, we danced around the ideas of: 1. giving myself permission { whether it’s permission to practice self-care OR permission to be as i am, in that moment, without judgement } and 2. to celebrate/revel in/ be proud of little victories { REALLY DIFFICULT CONCEPTS FOR ME}
the universe must really want me to take those lessons to heart, because not only did i share { in solidarity } this with a co-worker, but one of my “regular sites” featured this post on how “tracking positivity” can help with depression. so here i am, celebrating my little victory with the universe.
an amazing mentor { and friend AND founder of The Women’s Intelligence Project } shared an enlightening piece Centering Wellness: Reimagining Justice, Care and Change Making Professions. the author, jardana peacock, is speaking specifically about fields of work when she stares:
“we must see our work as trauma work.
We often experience that trauma as overwhelm, anxiety and stress. Compound that with personal trauma(s) and we are headed toward breakdown and burnout.
Without an emphasis on wellness, folks will continue to suffer exponentially from burnout, anxiety, and spiritual malaise….
The truth is trauma never goes away. Trauma will always exist in our world and in our bodies. Self-care/Community-care, wellness and spiritual practices will, however, provide a container of healing.”
this is what i am attempting to do: practice self-care. i want to heal.
power of the subconscious mind
this past monday, i underwent my first ever session of hypnotherapy. over the years of “regular” talk-based therapy, generative somatic therapy, and the like, i keep coming up against figurative brick walls, where no more insight or progress can be made. my current { and totally awesome therapist } likes to describe herself as “a little bit WOO”, as in she is also a trained hypnotherapist, reiki practitioner, and knowledgeable in all sorts of alternative practices { chakras, chinese medicine, etc.}. i finally decided to take the plunge and give hypnotherapy a try, since i fear a deeply rooted self-sabotage is WHY i keep hitting those walls.
i didn’t know what to expect, so i was nervous/anxious/excited all at once. going into a trance state, where the subconscious mind can be accessed, felt a lot like being submerged under water: my ears felt plugged up, i felt heavy & hazy, i was aware of myself but not completely able to control basic movements–nodding my head or signaling that i was rooting something into place took EXTREME effort. the one thing that i take away from this first experience, which was really about setting parameters for future session work, is that i am deeply influenced by madeleine l’engle’s A WRINKLE IN TIME. Read the rest of this entry
impressions from last evening
i arrived at the tap house where my spousal unit works about an hour before he was finished–plenty of time to relax & enjoy a pint before he was done. it’s a small, cozy place with only a handful of tables { very neighbourhood feel to the place } but around 40 beers on tap.
the tv mounted on the wall was tuned to the syfy channel, showing some b-flick that had both jena malone and one of the ashmore twins in it. i tried to find it on imdb, but the phone app version wasn’t very forth coming. so, if anyone knows what it was, i’m curious.
there was another table with a solo gal; she was engrossed in a harry potter novel and dressed like she wished her pivotal years of growing up had been the early nineties: black toque over a mane of curly hair, nose ring & septum piercing, black ringed eyes, over-sized red plaid flannel shirt over an even more over-sized white t-shirt/dress, black leggings and doc martins. it was a great outfit.
the table closest to me was full of loud { and boy do i mean loud }, really drunk hipsters. with a lapdog. when i first sat down they were yelling about how awesome said dog was and snapping selfies with the pooch, as well as snapping pics of the skinnier of the gals who was double-fisting 2 pints. sigh. and then, some how, comic-con came up. that’s when it got irritating: it is no secret that i am a HUGE nerdy geek and proud. i love my fellow nerds, and, having just last weekend, attended my first PAX { all four days, baby! } i just knew it was going to get painful to hear them { because, let’s be honest, they were too damn loud to just ignore }. and boy was i right. double-fist girl got all excited about dressing up outside of halloween “you mean, i get to wear a costume? omg guys? what should i be?” the unanimous vote was { this is a direct quote }: “that princess leia chick when she’s in prison by jabba the hutt.” slave leia. because THAT’S original. she didn’t get the reference at first until the other girl was like: { more direct quote } “you know, from that star wars movie…with the 3CPO { her words } robot and…the fish-dude…general ackbar?” they all then spent about 5 minutes repeating, “it’s a trap!” while i literally face-palmed myself and caught the eye of nineties chick who also had an incredulous look on her face.
after that lovely repartee, a group of 4 guys- all dressed like stereotypical metal-heads, sat down at the table directly next to mine. oh great, i thought, it’s going to get even louder. much to my surprise, not only were they non-yellers, but their conversation ran the gamut from MAGIC the gathering, to D&D, to online RPGs, to their impressions of this year’s PAX. and they had a heated discussion about their next dungeon crawl!
just goes to show…you truly CANNOT judge a book by it cover.
letters to friends lost/ letters to friends retained: part two
z,
this will { most likely } never be read by you. i am not sure whether i find that to be a blessing or a hindrance, but i suppose it is what it is. perhaps it will allow me to share what has been weighing on my heart for the past 7+ years.
i’m not really sure where to begin— when we met? when i first felt utterly hurt/ betrayed? on the reflections i have made since that initial crushing blow? maybe i will begin with the question that has been weighing most heavily on my mind: were we EVER truly friends, or was i just a convenient “accessory friend” to keep around for awhile?
sigh. i am no longer sure what hurt the most. from the very first moment i met you, i felt i had found a kindred spirit. i stood up for you. i fought for you. i had your back when other students questioned your life decisions. i hated all the times that i had to take a backseat to your need to be the center of attention, because i was always willing to let you be, even when i needed it too. it hurt so much when, shortly after i was married { and figured, since you also married young & had many people second guessing your decision, we’d support each other, stick up for each other… } you joined in with all the other skeptics, and singled me out as the reason my spouse was now losing all his friendships. you were supposed to be my best friend! we had lived together, cried together…we had even stood up at each other’s weddings! at the time, though it hurt, i chalked it up to part of your need to fit in with the greater group, to maintain your position as center of attention….and i forgave you.
when i moved away, things got better for awhile. i felt we were repairing our friendship over our phone calls. i listened to all the difficult stuff you were going through at the time, and you listened to me. i figured the long physical distance between us was helping our friendship heal. i was elated.
then came THE INCIDENT. in all truth, i know longer remember the exact details…did you actually send me a letter or email? or do i just remember it that way??? all i remember is that—out of no where—you made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to have contact with me. i didn’t understand why at the time. i **STILL** don’t completely understand today. perhaps because of the detached way everything happened from then on???
so you sent me a letter. or email. or neither. maybe our mutual friend y told me everything over the phone. all i knew is- for the time- or friendship was over. and it was somehow my fault. but i didn’t know why or how or what i had done. i THOUGHT i was being a listener/ support/ true friend but you felt very differently. there were months { maybe even years….it’s rather foggy now } of silence. what felt like overnight, i went from still considering you my best friend to learning you sort-of hated me at the time. and now considered the aforementioned y your best friend. in fact, you had decided y wasn’t only your new best friend, that the 2 of you were the same person/ each other’s doppleganger.
i hated being cut off from you. i worried about you. i missed you. i didn’t understand what i had done wrong, why you didn’t want me in your life. { to this day, i still don’t know completely }
i moved again. to a new state. the same state & city as y. everytime you called y, it hurt. everytime i had to hear about you from y, it hurt. and then came the nail in the coffin…i *FINALLY* got an explanation about what had been going on…. from y. because you had given her permission to finally tell me. do you realize just how painful that was?!?!? that you had decided i should finally hear what had really been going on, but you didn’t want to tell me yourself. that your new “best friend” got to tell me. and the worst part is, i still don’t get your reasoning.
that was 5 years ago. since then, i think we have seen each other twice. both times have been…fine. civil. even mildly pleasant. but they are a shell of what we were.
here is what i don’t understand: if you thought i was going to judge you, you clearly never really *knew* me. the things that “drove us apart”…were all things i said/did BECAUSE i cared so deeply for you. and wanted what was best for you. and was always going to be by your side no matter what. and it kills me that y is now your best friend, not because it isn’t me, but because she is an enabler. TRUE friends are the ones who give “tough love”, but let you still be you….not the people who tell you that anything goes and you can do whatever you want. it kills me that we can’t talk about ANY of this, like it’s some deep dark past we’re supposed to ignore. it hurts me because i sooooo desperately care for you, even today, despite everything that’s happened and i’m so pleased to see the person you have become/are becoming and i have the knowledge that it’s all apparently one way.
i wish, sometimes, i could just write you off. a lost friendship.
stein {over-excited} 